"Terror on Kodiak Island"
From the Personal Files of Dirk Brunswick

We get a call from the local FBI, begging for help. Some tourists have gone missing on Kodiak Island and none of them have the nuts to go and get them back. We head over to their little office and meet our contact, Helen. It's obvious she has never seen real agents before, she looks shocked at the sight of the Captain and me. She's clearly not seen any real men before either, poor little desk jockey can't take her eyes off me; I'll have to let her down easy. Unfortunately Dawson is with us and chips in asking "are there any bears on Kodiak Island?" he's so fucking dumb he makes me want to puke. If the Captain wasn't present I'd have plugged him there and then on general principle.

Three tourists are missing, one guy from a hotel where his is old lady is still staying, one Eskimo from some sort of tree-hugging retreat, and a wild life photographer who was probably too busy taking pictures of bears to plug 'em.

We decide to take Lollipop for a spin across to the island. Helen begs to come with us, and I don't have the heart to say no. She turns up set for a voyage across the Arctic in a canoe; I just pull on my jacket, load my pump-action and I'm good to go.

We make good time, and arrive for lunch. I unload our gear while the hotel is arranged, and we decide to split up to see who we can shake down for information. I take Helen and Bud, and after checking in with the local sheriff we make for the Eskimo retreat to see what they know.

The first guy we meet is called Shadow Stalker, or some other hippy crap. He tries to rile us with some choice insults, I almost take his head off before I see what he is doing, nice, he doesn't want to waste time with losers like the local office so he is seeing what size our nuts are. We send Helen off to get some coffees while we talk business. He knows our mark, Cloud Humper or whatever he's called, he was taken from behind a local pissing tree. We check it out but just find a lot of piss. I see Shadow Stalker has a nice briefcase, so I buy it from him, helps up my professional image. Helen forgets the coffees and upsets some of the Eskimos so we head off.

Back at the hotel we compare notes with the Captain and Dawson, they've been squeezing the wife for any info, and she's been singing. Seems the missing guy was into weird museum shit, and went to the local mummy exhibition, took some pictures and bought some tat. This insight into the boring life of a normal Joe wouldn't usually pique my interest, but Shadow Lover said Cloud Monkey also went to that exhibition; it's time to start joining the dots.

I hit the sack early as I want to ready for our dawn assault on the museum. At one I hear a soft knocking on my door, through the spy hole I can see Helen looking anxious. Poor thing couldn't stand just one night in a hotel with me without making a move. I open the door; she's in an invitingly open robe which barely hides the silk negligee beneath. She's flushed and stammers something about hearing a noise; I can hear nothing but her body screaming for me. Then she mentions that the Captain is missing. I snap out of my daze and start moving; I run into Stone and Dawson on the stairs, Dawson saw the Captain head out the back of the hotel alone in just his boxers.

Captain's face down in the mud out the back, he looks ok but is real confused. He tells us a beautiful woman came to his room and lured him out here. I hunt around for some sign of her but only find a few large bird tracks by the bushes. We get the captain back inside and decide to double up in the rooms to watch each others backs. Bud goes with the captain and cuffs himself to the radiator so no siren song can draw him out.

We make it to dawn, no casualties. It's museum time.

Seems quite once we get inside the foyer, too quiet. Captain grabs the curator for some answers and Stone goes to hunt through security tapes. I wait by the doors, in case anyone tries to make a break for it. It doesn't take long to kick off. The alarms start screaming and the sprinklers fire up making it hard to see. The Captain runs past me saying Bud's been taken down by a mummy or something and we need to break out the hardware. No time for fucking about, I crack open my new case and pull out the assault rifle hidden inside, time to get some payback.

Helen heads inside with me. We do a quick circuit down where the mummies were displayed, one is missing, a queen Kotoflaxomoitia. We circle round back to the entrance and arrive just in time to see the captain being attacked by some beautiful woman. Must be queen Kotoflaxomoitia. No time for half measures, I empty the first clip into her. She takes all twenty rounds without flinching; they just go right through her. Then I see Dawson standing right behind her. He couldn't shrug off that much lead as easily and drops. No big loss.

She is coming right for us; someone has to stop her or no ones getting out of here alive. I tell the Captain and Helen to run and I'll hold her, they break for the emergency exit. She keeps coming slowly, thinking I'm no threat. When she is close enough to smell I pull one of Stone's homebrew grenades free from inside my jacket and driving up from my legs with all my strength punch it up into her chest through her stomach. I can see in her eyes she knows I'm sending her back to the hell she came from.

See you on the other side sister.

When I come to Helen is leaning over me, bandaging what is left of my right hand. As I pull myself to my feet the Captain flies back in and says we have to leave, now. We leave Helen to deal with the local authorities, saying it was a terrorist attack. Scrapping up what's left of Dawson and Bud we take Lollipop back across the choppy see for Anchorage.

Another case closed by Dirk Brunswick